What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 00:31
I said to her
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
What does it mean when we dream about demons, ghosts, monsters, etc.?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She married twice! .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I have no regrets .
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I waited trembling.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So whats the point in blame.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And i lived it daily.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Would this be the day?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I don,t even have a pension.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Was to survive, this bastard.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was seconnd youngest,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was scared of men, in general
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She found it foreign!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I could never make a relationship work though!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Comes on , in middle age.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Especially a lifetime of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was very sick at this time too.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
When she asked me how she looked .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He knew the spot.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We all went to grammer schools
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She loved him until the end.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Who then, do I blame.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
All the time i was locked up.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
What did i know ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were not on the streets..
But ive been too sick for many years..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I think the readers, may guess!
I couldn’t, believe it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My family never makes their pension either.
She was in good health!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Put me off passion for life!!
My life is so biszare .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im still living with it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I write beautiful poetry .
She wouldn,t have been !